Sunday, 9 March 2014

Depression

This is a post that I am pretty scared about writing. I have been thinking about it for a while, however it's quite personal and something I am currently going through. I'm hoping it may help some people though and you can join me on my little journey.

I was always the happy, smiley child and still am, however for the past year and a half I have been struggling a lot. Depression isn't always caused by a big trigger or event. Mine started when I was worrying about a presentation I had to do at college. Throughout the summer holidays in 2012, I was becoming increasingly nervous and low because I couldn't stop thinking about it. I went to my Doctor several times and she was and has been extremely helpful. The Doctor's were reluctant to put me on anti-depressants because I was only 17, however I was becoming worse so they popped me on St John's Wart - a herbal medicine which helps relieve low mood and anxiety.

I dropped out of college in February 2013 because I couldn't cope anymore. With how I was feeling, A-levels were too much for me and everyone agreed this was the best option. I had a Saturday job which I carried on doing, however this started becoming too much for me as well. I would cry pretty much everyday about it. I would cry Saturday mornings, during my lunch break and I had to try extremely hard not to cry on the shop floor. Then on Sundays, I would start crying thinking of the next Saturday and would cry everyday up to Saturday. I went on like this for a while and I left in August 2013.
 
During the week when I wasn't working, I would always kept myself busy through blogging and lots of walking. I had a little routine and a 2 hour route I would walk everyday. I think staying busy is very important. There were days I would wake up with a feeling of dread and couldn't face getting up, however I truly believe it helped to do things.

From August 2012 for about a year, I also had a slight eating disorder which made everything worse. I counted calories and they completely took over my life. I ate about 800 calories per day and would not even let myself go over by 1. If I ate something I considered bad, I would cry for ages and hate myself. I dropped in weight which caused my periods to stop for that whole year and I was generally unhealthy. I would not eat anything without reading the calories and adding them all up. I am definitely getting better with this now. I have put on over one stone which I am chuffed with. Sometimes I have a little slip up and don't eat a lot, however I can tell when I'm getting too obsessed with calories and immediately stop.

I started an apprenticeship in September 2013 which was the first time I was working everyday since college. I had picked up a lot during the 7 months since I left college and was starting to feel better. I was considering coming off my St Johns Wart because I felt so much happier. At the end of September my boyfriend went off to uni and then he became down. He was only there for 12 days because he struggled so much and during that time, he would Skype me being really upset, which caused me to be more down. It was a rollercoaster really. Ever since we started going out, I knew he was going to uni so was fully prepared for that. Then suddenly he was down and was home less then 2 weeks later. I started getting very low around this time and was prescribed anti-depressants. I was put on a low dose, however my dose has been increased once since then.

During February 2014, my Doctor signed me off work for about 3 weeks because of my depression. She seemed slightly concerned I was working full-time in my state. I went back once my sick note ran out, however struggled hugely so left. I handed in my resignation and my last day was 4th March 2014.
 

I am hoping things will start getting better. I filled out a depression form to start counselling. I have moderate anxiety and moderate/severe depression. Counselling is a 12 week wait which is really annoying, but my family and friends are all very supportive of me which is brilliant.
 
I have found talking to someone helps hugely. When I first told my parents how I felt, I immediately felt better because I had shared my feelings with them. Maybe they can't make it all better straight away, but I felt I had support. There is always someone to talk to, whether it be family, friends or a support line. Sometimes I just want to curl up in a ball all alone and hide, however for me at least, talking helps in the long-run.
 
Something that helps me is reading positive quotes. I have an album on my phone full of them and I read through some when I am feeling low. There are lots of holidays and fun trips planned this year with my family and boyfriend, so they give me something to focus on!

I hope this post may help some people, if you or anyone you know is going through something similar. This is a very personal thing for me to write about, however it's nice to feel like it may help someone and let you know there is help out there. I will keep you updated on how I get on if you would like.


51 comments:

  1. Wow, I completely admire your bravery in posting this! Well done! I hate the way people shy away talking about mental illness, it's not anything to be ashamed of! Well done for all your hard work and getting this far - its amazing :) x

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    1. Thankyou :) I think it's good to talk about it so anyone else suffering knows they're not alone x

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  2. Thank you for being so brave to post publicly about this. I have suffered from anxiety and depression from a number of years, and it's been pretty rough recently. It's always good to remind yourself that you aren't alone in how you're feeling, and to keep yourself busy. I love the idea of keeping an album with inspirational quotes on your phone, I may have to borrow that! Would love it if you felt comfortable posting updates about this as I think it's always good to be open and honest about these sorts of things. I wish you the very best in your mental health journey, and hope that things look up for you slowly but surely!

    Tara (blushandbloom.tumblr.com)

    X

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    1. Let me know if you find any good quotes! Thank you, I hope you start to lift soon too x

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  3. Would you consider writing something about your eating disorder and how you put the weight back on? I suffered from something fairly mild two-ish years ago and I'm finding it tricky still to be a normal size. I don't know if it's my metabolism but I eat way more than most of my friends and I can't grow out of being a skinny size four/six.

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    1. Of course. I wouldn't have a whole lot of tips - I've gone from a 4 - 6/8 size but hopefully I can help a bit x

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  4. I think you're so brave to share your experience and it will help others who can relate to what you're going through. Xx

    Makeup by Candlelight

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    1. Thank you! I'm so glad it could help others x

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  5. I've never suffered with depression or anxiety, but reading this made me all emotional; I just want to give you a hug! I really hope that you keep positive and keep going. My favourite positive quote is: "The art of being happy lies in the power of extracting happiness from common things", I don't know whether you've heard that one or not, but whenever I'm feeling down, I just think of that :)
    Anyway, I find your blog amazing and I always enjoy reading it :)
    I know we've never met/talked, but if you ever need a chat, I'm here.. I probably sound like a weird stalker now!

    vintagesoph x

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    1. Aww I really like that quote! Thank you :) haha you don't sound like a stalker x

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  6. I'm really sad to hear what you're going through and really hope things improve for you <3 I'm sure this post will help many others xx
    www.LaurasHaven.com

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  7. You are so strong Becky to openly talk about this. It's so good to see that the stigmas behind mental health issues are slowly starting to lift. They have a long way to go but I'm glad you're getting the support you need. You are so right that you are never alone! There will always be someone you can talk to. Sending you a big hug x

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    1. The support available is helpful and I'm glad I have people I can talk to. Thank you lovely :) x

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  8. Im honestly so proud of you for writing this post. I can 100% relate to you, its hard talking to friends about this, nevermind on your blog. You should be so proud. Keep your head up, and remember if you're ever having a bad day, you can't appreciate the good days without the bad. Lots of love, Kate. X
    www.Katesperks.blogspot.ie

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    1. Aww thank you. That such a good little saying x

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  9. Wow i totally admire your bravery for writing this post, it takes a strong woman to do so..so well done!! Life can be overwhelming sometimes i for one know that one... so glad your are coming out stronger :)... If you ever need someone to talk to or chat.. I'm here just mail me :)

    Anna-Maria

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    1. Thank you so much :) the support of everyone is helping me a lot, so I really appreciate this x

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  10. Having an outlet such as blogging does help so much, it's horrible how many young people are going through depression and how much of a debilitating effect it can have on your life. I wish you well and hope you find a coping strategy which suits you!

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    1. It's so sad and surprised me how many people are going through similar! Thank you x

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  11. Well done for writing this! I literally just wrote a post about depression on friday, so I was pleasantly surprised to see this on my bloglovin' feed, definitely makes me feel less alone with it! I hope you start to feel better soon :) x x

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    1. I have just read yours now. I hope you start to lift soon and always chat to me if you like :) x

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  12. It sounds like you've really been through it the past few years. I hope you get the help you need. I had CBT for depression/anxiety and it was really helpful. I'm beginning to feel a bit down again lately so I've been going through all my notes to put all the techniques into practice again. Depression is a terrible illness but more people have suffered than you would think & posts like this are a great way to let people know that we're out there :) xx

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    1. The counselling I'll be having uses cbt techniques so I hope it'll help! Thank you x

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  13. Well done for being brave and posting this Becky! I too have anxiety and depression, I am not working at the moment due to those reasons and I know how hard it is. I admire your positivity and I hope that counselling helps you, it certainly helps me to talk things through with a professional. I think it is great how you have shared your story, it will probably help a lot of people :) xx

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    1. Thank you. Talking to people has helped me so far and even writing this post helped, so I'm hoping counselling will x

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  14. Well done you. It's really brave putting yourself out there like that. I don't know you personally, however, really proud of what you've done. I wish you the best & nothing but hapiness keep it up xXx

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    1. Aww thank you so much. The support I'm getting helps me a lot x

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  15. You're very brave for opening up. I hope you start to feel better soon. I suffer from depression/anxiety too so if you ever need to chat you're always welcome to tweet or email me xx

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    1. Thank you lovely. You are welcome to chat to me as well and I really hope you start feeling better x

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  16. Well done for writing such an honest post. It took me all my efforts to even write a tiny post back in February for the #TimeToTalk campaign and I still couldn't even talk as openly and honestly as you have. I've been antidepressants for three years now and can relate to pretty much everything you've said in your post, including it leading to an eating disorder. But it does get better. I never ever believed anyone when they told me that before, and it's only been the past six months or so that I've actually felt and noticed a difference, so it definitely is true when people say time heals everything. Be proud of the amazing progress you've made already - even admitting you need help and going to see someone is a massive step.

    Keep your head up :) and if you ever want to chat to someone who's been through it too but who doesn't actually know you or anyone else that you may know, then feel free to email me! Talking always helped me - d.is.for.dannielle@gmail.com xx

    D Is For...

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    1. Thank you so much. If you ever want to chat to me please do :) well done for writing a post for timetotalk. Any post, long or short is amazing and will help people x

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  17. Well done for opening up and talking about this. I have suffered with depression and anxiety for nearly 6 years and have been on anti-depressants and had CBT counselling last year and I have to say I am not better than I have been in a long time so if you ever want to talk or want to know about my CBT experience, just email me at percyandgrace@gmail.com. Take care hun x x

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    1. Thank you. The counselling I will have involves cbt I believe! x

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  18. I suffered from depression for a while from when I was 13-15 because of bullying. It will get better, you will feel better. It happens in a way that you don't even think about. All of a sudden you think "I haven't felt low in a while". I'm sorry that you're going through this xx

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    1. I'm so glad you are better. I have felt that a couple of times, when I realise it has been a few days since I've cried and it's nice x

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  19. I can relate to this so well, it's great that you family are supportive :) xx

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    1. They really help. I hope you are ok and please talk to me if you ever need to x

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  20. brave lass. i know it must sound really unimportant to some people, but one of the things that keeps me going is knowing that im not alone. so read this straight away naturally! i think one of the worst things that i got from anxiety and depression was knowing that id become this completely different person in a short space of time (felt like eternity) and not knowing if i could change back. i wrote a post very similar to this one on my blog and know how hard it is to write some things down. yes to the updates!
    hayley xo

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    1. Ooh I will read your post later - thank you :) it makes me sad looking back at how happy I always was, however I still have days like that x

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  21. You are so brave for sharing this post Becky. I am really proud of you. :) I hope counselling helps and that things start to improve for you soon. xx

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  22. I suffered with depression about 8 years ago. I'd started a new job after finishing uni and was hoping to set off on a career, but it all went wrong and I'd shut myself in my room every night and cry. I didn't admit it to my parent's, but I'm pretty sure they knew something was wrong. I'd get so frustrated by the problems I had at the time and didn't know how to try and get rid of the feeling so I started biting my hands to try and release it. I still get low quite often now, which is related to my hormones, but I'm much better.

    I also went through a period when I was about 14/15 where I had a slight eating disorder. I bought a new pair of leggings/trousers but then when I put them on at home I thought my legs were huge and disgusting (they weren't) and I decided that apart from my evening meal (which I couldn't really avoid because my mum made it for me) I would eat as little as possible. I kept a diary to record what I ate each day and if I thought I'd eaten too much I'd feel disgusting and just cry in my room. I'm not sure what snapped me out of it in the end, but something did.

    Well done for sharing and I hope things get better for you soon x

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    1. I am so glad you are better now and something snapped you out of it. I'm sorry to hear want you went through - it's nice knowing it will get better though :) xx

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  23. Thank you for posting. I went through a similar experience in 2011-2012 and I still get pretty depressed sometimes. I find it extremely difficult to support though; I'd rather support somebody else than have them support me :/ x

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    1. That's ok :) I hope this has helped you x

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  24. Just found your blog through Louise - Sprinkle Of Glitter, and this post has actually helped me to some extent. I feel like depression isn't for young people, people don't acknowledge that you can be 17 and be having a shitty time even if nothing traumatic has happened, and the fact that you've expressed your experiences makes me feel better. So thank you. I've paraphrased this quote that I found today, but it basically says that they may not be a heaven, so why don't you make this place on earth, heaven. Basically do what makes you happy, and if you're not happy do something about it.


    http://beaboon.blogspot.co.uk/

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    1. I'm so glad this has helped you. That's such a nice saying and thank you for sharing it :) x

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  25. Thank you so much for sharing this! Some of the things you have shared I experience. I have never heard someone explain them in the exact way I feel. Its great to know I am not alone.

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    1. That's ok. I'm so glad this has helped you :) xx

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  26. Thankyou for posting this, I found it through Sprinkle of Glitter; in the past 18 months I've suffered from severe anxiety and some slight depression and I also dropped out of college because of it which sadly some people around me didn't understand. It's brave writing a post about it. It does get so so much better and I think time is the key :) I also wrote a post similar to this on my blog, I think the more people talk about things like this the easier it gets, no one should go through this alone. Keep going xxx

    http://bethlouiseblog.blogspot.co.uk/

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Thank you for your comment. I read them all and they make me smile! x