Tuesday 21 October 2014

A post from a while ago...

Hello everyone! I have just found this post in my drafts which I never published. I wanted to publish it for you now, as I hope it may help some people. This was written quite a while ago and I would say I am a lot better now, however I still hope this may be helpful :)

If you read my depression post, I briefly mentioned that I had a slight eating disorder in the past. I was asked to write a post a little more in detail about this and I hope some people find it helpful.

I never had treatment specifically for my eating problems. They seemed to be due to my depression, so I was treated for that and once my mood improved, so did my eating. I became very obsessive with calorie counting. I would not eat anything without knowing exactly how many calories it was. I used an app on my phone to track calories throughout the day and set my limit to about 800. Some days I wouldn't reach that and would eat about 500 calories, however I would never let myself go over.
I remember one day trying to work out what I would eat for lunch and dinner. Something I wanted would have taken me over by 30 calories, so I wouldn't let myself eat it. I sat at home for ages trying to work out what foods I could eat that wouldn't take me over, crying my eyes out and eventually just not eating anything because it was too stressful. If I went out for meals, I would look through the menu and just pick the lowest calorie food. Some restaurants didn't have calories on the menu, so I would sit on my phone trying to find it on their website. I literally would not eat anything unless I knew the exact calories. If I was at someone's house and they gave me food, I would sneak into their kitchen and look for it in the cupboards or a wrapper in the bin so I could know the calories.
I never suffered with bulimia, however I remember once trying to make myself sick. I think I may have waited too long since eating, but for some reason I just couldn't be sick. I sat by the toilet for ages crying my eyes out and trying to be sick and I couldn't. This made me feel so much worse because I was so obsessive and controlling over food and my weight, and not being able to be sick made me feel like I wasn't in control and I was a failure.
A normal BMI ranges from 18.5 to 24.9. When I was at my lowest weight, it dropped below 17 which caused my periods to stop for a year. I wasn't healthy. I could easily lose about a pound per day which I did for a while. I was always quite small anyway, so losing this much just made me unhealthy.
Like I said before, I was never specifically treated for an eating disorder. I was treated for my depression as that affected my eating too. My Doctor has recently told me how extremely concerned she was about me when I had eating problems. If you feel similar to how I did, I would highly suggest talking to someone and seeing your GP.
My BMI now is 20.8 so I am in the healthy range and chuffed! I have put on about a stone and a half since my lowest weight and am currently the heaviest I have ever been. I am still not 100% over all of this, however I am better at controlling it. I don't count calories anymore, which was the hardest thing to stop doing as I felt I wasn't in control anymore. If I start counting them again, I can tell when I am becoming too obsessive and can stop myself immediately - plus I have deleted the phone app.

I still think I look fat sometimes and I would like to lose a little bit of weight, however the difference now is that I want to be healthy. I want to lose weight by exercising and eating healthy - not by eating 500 calories per day. Before any eating problems, I was about a size 8/10. During my lowest weight I was a 4 and now I am a 6/8, which I am happy with.
I don't have a solution to putting on weight. My way of thinking just changed as I became better and I gradually increased my calories. I wouldn't be able to just stop counting them overnight. I gradually increased my daily allowance to 1000, 1100 and then 1200. Once I started eating about 1200 per day, I got used to how much and what type of food that was. Now I don't count calories and am not obsessed with them, but I still have a rough idea of how much I am eating.
Some days I go mad and probably eat about 2500 calories or something. I am addicted to chocolate so it's not hard! I just try and be sensible so if that happens, the next day I will just eat healthier. Before, if I ate anything that I considered 'bad', I would think about it for days after, worrying about it and stopping myself eating as much because I hated myself for eating that bad food. I really like the quote above, as it helps me just think of each day as new. I don't worry as much about what I ate yesterday or the day before.
If anyone would like to chat to me about anything specific, then please comment or email me. I may not be able to help but I am happy to listen and be supportive.


  1. This is such a good post, I am always in fear of being unhappy so much that it probably makes me sad sometimes from overthinking! This was great advice, xx
    Katherine Rosie | UK Beauty, Fashion & Lifestyle Blog

  2. Hey!

    Sehr schöner Post und ich werd auf jeden Fall öfters auf deinem Blog vorbeischauen!
    Würde mich sehr freuen, wenn du mal bei mir vorbei siehst!

    Liebe Grüße,




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